Confronting Fear and Pursuing Freedom - Part 2

Ever felt trapped by fear-based decisions? What if you could identify and conquer the monsters gnawing away at your peace? Join me, Nick Koopalethes, as I navigate the maze of fear and maladaptive lifestyles, inspired by the insightful perspectives of Carla Chud, senior associate leader at Northgate Alaska Church. Together, let's learn to spot the tell-tale signs of fear in our lives, be it numbing behaviors or chronic procrastination, and embrace the help we need to break free.

The journey continues as we tackle the workaholic monster and the dread of missing out on nurturing relationships. Drawing strength from faith, we'll explore how trust in divine provision can pivot our mindset, leading us towards the path of obedience and diligence. We also confront the fear of not being liked and the drain of people-pleasing habits, highlighting how conflict can be the catalyst for personal growth. Don't miss this momentous discussion on forgiveness and its transformative role in breaking the cycles of burnout to forge healthier connections. Tune in and let's walk together from the land of fear into the land of freedom.

Chapters

• 0:00 Confronting Fear and Pursuing Freedom
• 16:14 Overcoming Fear
• 26:18 Supporting the Coupelites Podcast

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

the Coupelethis podcast Music. Welcome to the Coupelethis podcast. I am Nick Coupelethis, your host, and I am so excited to be with you because this is episode number 21, part 2 of Fear-Based Decisions. We are talking about a quote from the book the Pathway to Powerful by Carla Chud, who is the senior associate leader at Northgate Alaska Church, where she is responsible for developing culture, implementing strategy and directing operations. We are in chapter 3, healing Broken Places, page 38, paragraph 3, sentence 2. And I am actually just going to jump right into this episode.

Speaker 1: 0:56

If you haven't heard the last episode, go back, listen through that. We defined fear, we talk about fear. We actually even give a few types of fear that might be in your blind spot because we were talking about the subconscious. So I am going to read the quote here and then jump right into the rest of this episode. And here it goes. This is what Carla wrote Until I forgave him, my heart would remain connected to the situation, allowing the pain to continue, influencing my subconscious thoughts and emotions and drive a fear-based reaction. So after the break, we are going to jump right back into where we were and we are going to diagnose how do we know, what are some ways that we know that we are living with fear-based decisions and reactions.

Speaker 1: 2:03

Before I go any further in this episode, I want to tell you that if you realize there is fear in your life, I want to encourage you to get the help that you need. Find a coach, find a counselor, find somebody that will pray with you, but don't allow yourself to stay in the land of fear. Come out of the land of fear and anxiety and depression and come into the land of free. Conquer the monsters that are in your closet. Close those closet doors too many times on the monsters that are there and guess what? Those monsters are ready to be slain by you. And if you can't do it by yourself, that's okay. Most of us can't do it by ourselves. We need help. So get the help that you need. Don't have shame. Don't allow people that are small-minded, don't allow people that are prideful, don't allow people that are around you to tear you down. That is the fear that's plaguing you and the fear wants to remain. The fear wants to be a monster in your life and you were born to be a monster killer. Let's kill the monster of fear and live in the land of the free. Let's do it.

Speaker 1: 3:29

20 Robbins said this. With chronic fear, you are not experiencing anxiety, You're living in it. The fear response becomes a maladaptive lifestyle, influencing everything you think, feel and do. The fear keeps you stuck in a self-perpetuating cycle of defeat and frustration. The upside to fear is that the emotions surrounding it are usually so unpleasant that they drive you to find another way, and that's what fear does. Fear pushes you what he calls a maladaptive lifestyle.

Speaker 1: 4:06

Psychologists call it a maladaptive scheme, but it's basically you, the person adapting to the negative in your life, and you construct basically a false narrative or we should say a fear narrative in your life that keeps you stuck. The only thing is you can be a Christian and if you're not sanctified and if you haven't confronted this, this thing is going to perpetuate a cycle of defeat and frustration. So maybe you're frustrated, not because the people around you are negative that could be part of it not because your friends are the problem, or your spouse is the problem, or your kids or your dog or your neighbor's dog, or whatever it might be, but it might be this thing that's inside of you, this maladaptive lifestyle, the scheme that is working in you is a coping mechanism that you've had, maybe even since, since you've been a kid, maybe even since birth. Maybe this is a thing that is yours to overcome. This is the monster that's in your closet and I want to tell you right, you are born to kill monsters. So here's the thing. We're going to confront this thing.

Speaker 1: 5:18

The saddest thing ever is that when you know Tony says the upside to fear is that the emotion surrounding it is usually so unpleasant that it drives you to find another way. Well, there's many people that don't find another way because they've learned to live with that monster. They've learned that that that monster, they feed that monster, they pet that monster, they groom that monster. Because here's the thing to really deal with that monster means that you have to deal with something that's plaguing you. You have to become vulnerable, you have to have that self-realization moment. But I'm telling you, even personally, I don't want to live with the monsters in my closet. I don't want to live in fear, and that monster can go right back to hell. I don't want it. I don't want anything to do with it. I want to find freedom. I want to live free. I don't want to live under legalism. I don't want to live under some other people's pressures on me. I just want to live free. And it doesn't mean I don't take ownership over my life, I don't accept responsibility. It means that fear is not the way that I am designed to live.

Speaker 1: 6:22

Tony talks about four different areas that you can spot in your life, that if you have these four different areas, you're probably living in fear. Maybe one of these will be you, maybe a few of them will be you, or maybe you see little bits and pieces of these things in your life. All right, number one numbing yourself. Numbing yourself. Oh, this is the novocaine of the soul. This is putting earplugs in so you can't hear the monsters that are banging in the closet.

Speaker 1: 6:50

And I'll tell you what. It doesn't need to be drugs or alcohol, doesn't have to be an illegal substance, even though many people today they are into drugs and alcohol to numb themselves. But it's escapism without control Meaning. If I go to watch a movie, there's an escapism there. You're living in another world. You're living in Narnia or you're living in a land far away. Whatever it might be right, that's an escapism. That's not bad. You're reading a book, it's your imagination. But if you find yourself continually living in a land that is not real and continually. Maybe you just like you're just watching Netflix and you're watching, you know, prime or whatever it is, over and over every day and you're just feeling yourself and you're not really confronting the issues at hand. You're probably living in a land of escapism. You're numbing yourself, you're novocating something that needs to be confronted. Are you numbing yourself? And what are you numbing yourself with? You have to be able to go. You know what it might be painful in the moment, but I have to allow the nova cane to wear off and confront this monster Numbing yourself.

Speaker 1: 7:59

Number two procrastination. Putting your goals off, putting the pursuits of your heart, what you desire, you're putting it off to tomorrow. You're finding an excuse that allows you to live in the land of never, right? That's really what procrastination is. It's like it's not just that you're waiting till the last second, but it's like you're really never getting to it. I remember being a teenager and my dad used to say Nick, your theme of life is not carpe diem, seize the day, it's carpe menana, seize tomorrow. How many of us live under the motto carpe menana, seize tomorrow, seize tomorrow. I'll do it tomorrow. But here's the thing don't put off what you can do today to tomorrow. Don't procrastinate on a goal that you know you have to begin to pursue, and if you don't begin that pursuit, you're never going to get there.

Speaker 1: 8:57

Now I think what happens is sometimes why we procrastinate, in life at least. Maybe this is personal, maybe you'll identify with it. It's because some task feels so huge, so monumental, that you're like I don't know how I'm going to do this. Well, I'll just say to you how do you wake up in the morning and get to the kitchen and cook yourself a meal? How do you do that? One step at a time. And, if we can be honest, listen, there's a lot. There's a lot in life that feels overwhelming, but it doesn't feel overwhelming to take one step. I need to take one step. So if I take one step today, one step tomorrow, by the end of the week I've taken seven steps in a direction that I've tried to excuse myself from, but I've already started to accomplish something in my life by taking one step a day. Well, by the end of that year, you've taken 365 steps towards your goal. That's pretty amazing. Think about that. So if I said to you take 365 steps towards your goal today, you'd say, well, I don't even know where to begin. I don't know what to do. It's just overwhelming. Carpe Mignana, but if I said to you what's one step you can take today, maybe it's a step of realization, maybe it's a step of kindness to your heart, maybe it's a step of getting a book or getting help, whatever that might be. Take one step today, take another step tomorrow. I believe every single one of us can take at least one step. Everybody can take one step. Nobody can take that step for you, but they can help you take that step.

Speaker 1: 10:30

So you might be numbing yourself, you might be procrastinating what else you might be settling. You're living in the land of fear. If you're settling, you're settling. It's a powerful indicator. You're letting certainty run your life. You're staying at that job just because you know there's a paycheck, but you're not even coming close to living in that passion, that desire.

Speaker 1: 10:53

Yes, sometimes I would say most of the time, we have to do a bunch of things that we don't want to do. That's just part of life. Get over it, embrace it, but don't do a bunch of things you don't wanna do, just so that the rest of your life you said well, I didn't wanna do that my whole life. We do things we don't wanna do. So we can do things we desire to do, and so you might be settling because certainty's better meaning. You might not ask that person out because you feel like they might reject you and they might say no. So you know what you settle for less. Now could they say no, sure, but you'll never know. Until you try, you'll never know. And if you were just settling in your life, then you're living in the land of fear Again.

Speaker 1: 11:38

I'm really at the place where I don't wanna settle in my own life. I wanna live passionately. I wanna live according to what the Lord's given us, bought with his own blood that freedom. It is for freedom, not for legalism, not for oppression, not for the meh life. I don't wanna meh life. I wanna life that counts in the light of eternity. That even I know at times will be hard. There might be suffering involved, there might be pain involved, but I also wanna live a life that is enjoyable and it's extraordinary, and I think the Lord deserves that and I think we have to allow ourselves not to settle, not live the meh life. People in the Bible, let me just say this they didn't live a meh life. You know what they lived. They lived a life that was no-transcript, fulfilling such a wonderful, great commission. Now are there hardships? Yes, this is not like a get rich quick or prosperity, but I'm just saying I don't want to settle because that's an expectation I put on myself. I'll just settle to that man. You know, I want to live life to the full. So are you settling? Are you settling in your relationships? Are you settling in your marriage? Are you settling in your business pursuits? Are you settling? All right, so numbing yourself, procrastination, settling, how about this one?

Speaker 1: 13:04

Perfectionism, perfectionism. Tony Robbins says this. He says that basically, it's the lowest standard in the world because it's impossible to achieve. You're living in perfectionism. I heard one person say that good is the enemy or perfect is the enemy of good, perfect is the enemy of good. Meaning if I'm always waiting for everything to be perfect, I'm gonna miss out on the beauty of life, the mess that life can be. You know, I think we think to ourselves. I want the perfect story, but I think really what we're saying. We want a story in our life that is filled with true intimacy and true connection. And perfectionism does not lead to true intimacy and connection. True intimacy and connection actually is woven together with the messiness of life, with the person that we are, and perfectionism keeps us on the outside looking in.

Speaker 1: 14:09

And so you might say, well, I have numbing. There's, maybe, places you're numbing yourself, or procrastination, or settling, or perfectionism. That's living in the land of fear. That's a maladaptive lifestyle, that's a maladaptive scheme that's going on. You're living in such a way that you you're not pasting of the glory that's out there. And we have to come to a place where we don't allow fear to control us and to keep us from finding the land of the free. So let's talk about five different monsters that might be in your closet, whispering in your ear, keeping you from getting free, and they have put you into the numbing place, the procrastination, the settling, the perfectionism. They've put you there. All right, ready, here we go.

Speaker 1: 14:55

Monster number one Fear of no provision. Fear of no provision, fear that you were gonna be without, fear that money is not gonna be able to be there to pay your bills or to put food on the table. And so this monster just says there's no provision. And this is such the opposite of a faith mindset, because a faith mindset's gonna say, hey, if I'm walking obedient towards the Lord that at the very least I know that I'll have daily bread. But I also know that if I have a vision that's burning in my heart that God approves of where there's a vision, there will be provision, there will be resource and wealth for that vision. That's a faith mindset. But that monster will tell you you're gonna go hungry, you're gonna be homeless, it's not gonna work out. And it just keeps whispering things in your ear over and over and over again. If you grew up in a time where, like when you were a kid and that maybe your family didn't have enough food, maybe your family didn't have enough clothes, maybe your family didn't have certain things, and then you've carried that mindset into your adulthood, you're gonna have to deal with it because there's gonna be no amount of money that's gonna satisfy it. You have to confront that monster and realize that if God is your source and God is not gonna let you down, all right.

Speaker 1: 16:14

Next monster how about the fear of missing out on a connection? This, this monster will, is the workaholic monster. This one says if you're not working, you're gonna miss out. If you're not Creating for yourself 24-7, if you're not, if you're not on your job, you're Again, you're gonna go poor, you're gonna go broke, you're not gonna have the right open doors, and this is really saying that, that this monster really says that that you have to push so hard, even past your own limits, and what happens with this fear is as this fear is gonna drive you to burnout.

Speaker 1: 16:51

But with any of these fears, these fears, yes, they directly impact us and here and here's the the collateral damage Fears that you're living in will will impact the people that you love the most. So this fear of missing out on a connection, this workaholic monster, guess what? You're gonna miss out on a deep marriage because you're gonna have to neglect it To to feed this monster. You're gonna have to sacrifice your family, you're gonna have to sacrifice your closest friends to feed this monster, this workaholic monster. And yes, this goes into a lack of no, fear, of no provision. But the fear of connection says if you're not doing something, the door is not gonna be open.

Speaker 1: 17:36

This is what I think a faith mindset says. I believe a faith mindset will tell you that God is the one who is faithful. Be obedient, work hard, take ownership and responsibility over your own life and trust the Lord in his direction. He is the author and the perfecter of your faith. So guess what? I know that he's gonna get me where I need to be, because I'm his son and he's a good father. That monster Needs to die in Jesus name. That monster needs to get out in Jesus name.

Speaker 1: 18:09

So, fear of provision, a fear of missing out on a connection how about this one? How about a fear of not being liked Right? How many of you have that? That you in have lived your life in the light of what other people's opinions are towards you. Ashley Jensen says this you often say yes to things because you want to be seen as helpful and likable Instead of actually wanting to do them. So you want to be seen as helpful and you're not helpful and and likable in yourself. No, you are likable I'm joking but you want to be seen like that. So you find yourself doing things you really don't want to do, like you. But because you care more about what people think about you, you run yourself ragged. You'd say yes to things you wish you could say no, do.

Speaker 1: 19:03

And here's the thing. Remember we said this about decisions. Decisions is something that is in your control and you have. Every single person has the power of decision in their life, has the power of decision in their life, doesn't mean that there's not hard decisions. It just means that that decisions on you and when you live according to what other people think, you're saying yes to them and no to yourself. You're saying, you're saying to whatever a whim, whatever pleasure you're doing things.

Speaker 1: 19:32

The funny part is, people pleasing just makes you despise life. It makes you despise people and even if we're being honest, people pleasing makes you despise yourself because you're like why do I do these things for others? Not, and it's not your choice. Is it important to serve others? Yes, it's important to love others? Yes, but when you're doing it for people pleasing you're looking for, you're looking for approval.

Speaker 1: 19:58

Here's the faith mindset. The faith mindset says I can say yes or no and I'm still blessed by God, approved by God. A faith mindset says I'm unwilling To do things just because other people think that's right for me. This is like when you meet somebody and they have a you know. It's like you meet them and they're like I have a plan for your life and this is my plan for your life, and then you're like okay, I'll do that plan and then you hate life. But it was your choice to do their plan. And so a faith mindset says I know who I am, I have a healthy perspective on who I am, I know what my boundaries are, and if I say no and somebody persecutes me or Whatever it is they don't like it, then that's their issue, not mine I.

Speaker 1: 20:47

People pleasing is an endless, endless treadmill of performance that you cannot ever get to any Destination. So fear of not being like, how about this monster? The fear of conflict? This is where we tell ourselves you know what I? I'm gonna carpe manana, I'm gonna put conflict off for another day because it's just easier to live, conflict free. And here's the truth this monster if this is that procrastination monster, really this monster is going to tell you Just avoid, avoid, avoid. And the more that you avoid, the more toxic emotions, toxic relationships, toxic outcomes will be in your life. If you think of conflict as a negative, what you're gonna find is that you're gonna have a lot of issues and you're either gonna have to be a hermit living in the side of a mountain, in a cave, somewhere, or You're gonna have to say what are the conflicts I really want to participate in? Because, the truth is, conflict is part of life and so, whether it's conflict with yourself, conflict with others, but conflict is not negative.

Speaker 1: 21:51

Conflict is actually something that allows us to get to a place of health and growth. There's there's negative conflict. There's sometimes where I say something stupid to my wife and we start fighting because I've said something stupid. Well, that's negative conflict. There's other times where we might share something with each other. That's hard to talk about. If it is conflict, but because we're both in the right state of mind, but because we both are trying to get to a place of health in life, it leads to the land of free.

Speaker 1: 22:22

This is if you're a boss and you won't confront somebody who's in, you know, underneath you and you allow their toxic behavior To impact the rest of your company. Why? Because you might have a fear of conflict and maybe you've never had that modeled for you. Faith says this I can have hard conversations, and I know that they might not be perfect conversations, but I know I can have them and find a place of freedom. I think also, faith understands that. Again, the only one, a faith mindset that I can trust the Lord even in conflict, and I think, for me at least, I realized that I can't control somebody else's reaction. So, because I can't control somebody's reaction, I can come. If I can come into conflict with the right listening skills, the right words, the right body language, then I am actually adding to that place of conflict Ingredients that will hopefully bring freedom and blessing and positive change, versus like being afraid of conflict because you know what.

Speaker 1: 23:34

You might have grown up where all you've seen in your life is negative Conflict. People yelling is screaming. There might be verbal abuse, physical abuse. You might have been worked for a bunch of bosses that were just nightmares and so that's all you know of conflict. But that monster of conflict Will keep you from getting free because you have to walk through the threshold, the doorway of conflict to find places of health and life.

Speaker 1: 23:58

All right, last monster here the fear of judgment. This monster Will keep you from stepping out. This monster will keep you from doing the things you want to do because of what other people might Say. Right, it's that fear-based decision. You're making a decision based on something that hasn't happened, that might not even happen, but you're you're, you're unwilling to step out Because you feel like whatever. There's rejection there. What if? What if I look like a knucklehead? What if I look like an idiot? What if I step out and I make a fool of myself? And it's like you know what this monster just says just stay put, because if you step, if you step out, guess what? You're not going to accomplish what you've said to accomplish and Others might have a thought that's negative towards you. Yes, this kind of goes into that people pleasing. But whereas people pleasing drives you to do things for others that you don't want to do, this keeps you from doing what you want to do. This keeps you from stepping out because of what others might think.

Speaker 1: 25:06

Now, in all of this Kind of the land, the plane here, these monsters have to be dealt with and you have to dream of the land of free and what it would be like to live without these monsters whispering in your ear, controlling you. And I would just say you and I were built for true connection, true intimacy. We were built for friendships that are supposed to last, relationships that are supposed to be deep, and if I can see that these monsters are keeping me from Exactly that, then I'm gonna deal with them and I encourage you. Whether it's something I've said on this, maybe it's a thought that's been stirred up in you. If there's a monster that you need to deal with, then step out. Take one step today in the direction of health and life, and I'm gonna do an episode talking about what it looks like to live in faith and have faith filled decisions To help you have a strategy in your life to live free of fear. So that will be the next episode. All right, love you, I'm out.

Speaker 1: 26:18

Thank you so much for listening to the Coupelites podcast. Please consider supporting this by a donation at the Coupelites podcast. Calm, it is a tax deductible donation. If you would like to write into the show, you can write me at Coupelites at gmailcom. Yes, you got to figure out how to spell that. But share, subscribe, see you next time. Just show up.